Things I Hate
by Hunter Kitty
Summary: A collection of stories about things that Francis hates. Because Francis hates a lot of things. Just not vests. Chapter 3: I Hate Fairy Tales
1. I Hate the Hiccups

Disclaimer: Left 4 Dead isn't mine, nor are it's characters or ideas or places and all that sort of stuff.

A/N: Okay, so this was just gonna be a story all on it's own, but I decided to just make it into a series of short stories. I still have to write the other ones, though.

Hopefully this isn't too stupid or anything.

* * *

It was just your average everyday apocalypse for the four survivors.

They'd managed to get through the subways without too much trouble, and spent the night sleeping in the safe room. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable place, but it certainly beat being outside with the zombies.

Then, the next morning, they were up and moving again, this time with their goal being the sewers. However, the moment they opened the door and started on their way, things starting going a little off course.

"Okay, Hunter versus Spider-man?" Zoey asked Louis with a grin. They'd begun imaginary matches between the infected and other people just the day before, deciding it was a good way to pass the time and lighten up the situation.

"Ooooh. That is NOT an easy one," Louis whistled, unloading a shotgun shell into a nearby zombie's face. "Depends on if Spider-man can tie up the Hunter in web fast enough. I think–"

His sentence was suddenly cut short by a loud and obnoxious '_Hiccup!_' from behind them. They both whipped around and stared at the other two, expecting an answer.

Bill shook his head, and pointed at Francis, who grimaced. That was answer enough for the student and office worker.

"Francis? You have the hiccups?" Louis questioned, his lips curving upwards into a smirk. Francis said nothing, but soon bounced a bit from a strong hiccup. That was enough for Louis and Zoey, who burst out into laughter.

"Don't worry, Francis," Zoey said, patting him on the shoulder a bit. "I'm sure they'll go away in just a little bit."

Unfortunately, they didn't. About an hour later, Francis was still hiccuping. In fact, it seemed to have only gotten worse as they'd gone along. It really became a problem after a while, around the time they'd gotten into the fast food restaurant.

"Hunter!" Bill announced after hearing the growls, causing his teammates to all start a search to find out where the thing was hiding. Zoey checked under the tables, Bill looked in the corners, and Louis started looking around outside (but that was a bit difficult due to the Witch that was sitting just a little ways away from the building. They were going to have to be careful around her).

Francis, meanwhile, went and checked back in the kitchen. He poked his head behind the counter and immediately spotted the Hunter. The thing was peering over the counter and hadn't yet spotted him. Unfortunately, a loud hiccup decided to ruin this moment of stealth.

The moment it heard Francis hiccup, the Hunter whipped around to face Francis with a snarl. It crouched back for only a brief second before leaping forward with an ear-splitting shriek.

Having already been moving to shoot, Francis was able to get his shotgun up and ready in a moment. However, just as he fired and opened his mouth to yell a witty remark, he was interrupted by a sudden, loud, and very annoying '_Hiccup!_'

The bounce caused him to move, and the majority of the shotgun blast flew harmlessly into the wall _behind_ the Hunter. Said Hunter managed to get his pounce in, and got a few good scratches before being chased off by Zoey.

"Shoo!" she yelled, pushing it away and out the front door where it scampered away like a kicked puppy. "Go on! Get out of here!"

"You treat those things too nicely," Bill grumbled, taking this chance to reload his shotgun.

"I can't help it," Zoey said with a sheepish grin. "They remind me of my dog, Skitters."

"I hate the _-hic- _hiccups..." Francis grumbled, interrupting their conversation. He pushed himself back to his feet and brushed off his vest, hiccuping quite a few times in the process..

Zoey rolled her eyes, then suddenly lit up and snapped her fingers. "My mom always told me that eating a spoonful of sugar would cure the hiccups!"

"Uh, Earth to Zoey!" Louis said, knocking on her head playfully. "We don't really _have_ any sugar!"

"We're in a restaurant! A fast food place, sure, but a restaurant nonetheless!" Zoey reasoned, dashing back into the kitchen and digging through the cabinets. The other three survivors looked at each other nervously while the sound of banging doors, pots, and pans echoed throughout the room. Eventually, Zoey stood up victoriously, three packets of sugar in her hand.

Now, Francis wasn't all that fond of sweet things. But at that moment, he would have eaten Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory if it would rid him of those damn hiccups. He snatched the packets away from Zoey, a single hiccup emitting from his throat, and quickly downed all three of them.

There was silence, but just as everyone was about to congratulate Zoey on a job well done, Francis hiccuped very loudly, and dashed their hopes on the topic.

"You must have some stubborn hiccups, Francis," Zoey commented with a frown. She turned towards Bill and Louis. "Do you guys have any ideas?"

"All my cousins said you're supposed to pull on your tongue and plug your ears," Louis replied. Bill nodded in agreement, and Zoey clapped her hands.

"Alright! Go on then, Francis!" she exclaimed. "Do one at a time, because I don't think any of us wants to pull your tongue or plug your ears for you."

Francis glared at them, but did what was asked. First, he stick out his tongue and pulled on it with his right hand. That didn't work. He hiccuped the entire time. Then he wiped his finger off on his vest and plugged his ears. They all waited a full thirty seconds, but to no avail. The hiccups didn't pause a bit.

"All my pals said that antacid works well," Bill piped up automatically. "Some of them said that eating a lemon would help, too."

Through a little more scavenging around the kitchen, Zoey found one lemon and a bottle of pills.

"It's not exactly antacid, but it's worth a shot," she reasoned with a small shrug, tossing both items to Francis.

The biker gave a nod of appreciation, followed by a hiccup. He easily downed the entire bottle of pills (as they normally did, despite the health hazard). When that didn't work to cease the hiccups, he used a knife found on a counter to slice the lemon into wedges and started to eat all four pieces as the others looked on in shock.

"That's hardcore," Zoey breathed after Francis had finished the entire thing without even flinching. But sadly, despite how hardcore it was, the lemon didn't cure the hiccups.

"How about standing on your head?" Louis suggested, snapping his fingers.

"No, I heard you have to do three cartwheels," Bill corrected.

"I heard eating a hard candy _and_ doing cartwheels will help," Zoey said.

Francis hiccuped, then nodded. Anything was worth a shot. So Zoey went back to her searching, and soon came up with a small bag of peppermints. The red swirly kind. She tossed one to Francis, and pocketed the rest. ("I love these things!" she explained to her teammates. "I always used to try and steal as many as I could whenever I went to a restaurant.")

Francis easily ripped the wrapper off and tossed it aside, not even bothering to aim for a garbage can. He popped it into his mouth, waited just a moment, then started doing cartwheels. He wasn't all that bad at it, and had finished three good cartwheels pretty quickly.

He hiccuped the moment he was back on his feet.

"_GOD -hic- DAMN THESE -hic- HICCUPS!!!!"_ he screamed, causing the Witch outside to start sobbing even louder.

"That's it!" Zoey suddenly exclaimed, struck by inspiration. "We can scare them away!"

"It won't -hic- work if I know -hic- that you're gonna try to -hic- scare me," Francis grumbled, tapping his foot.

"_We're_ not going to scare you," Zoey replied with a sly grin. "We're all going to sneak by the Witch, one at a time. Francis last. If you hiccup, the sudden movement is likely to startle her so she comes after you." Francis hiccuped fearfully, as Zoey continued to grin like a demon. "That scary enough for you?"

The biker nodded, and everyone proceeded out the door. Zoey went first, inching along the wall slowly while the Witch growled quietly, watching her every move. After she was safely through and had ran a good distance away (far enough that the Witch went back to sobbing), Bill went on through. Then Louis. Finally, it was Francis' turn.

He waited until his next hiccup, then started across the wall. He moved at a brisk pace, but not so quick as to annoy the Witch. He cringed, feeling a hiccup in the back of his throat. He tried his best to hold it back, and finally he neared the end.

He opened his mouth to let out a sigh of relief, but instead got a hiccup.

A _loud_ hiccup.

He gasped, and glanced over to the Witch, hoping he had gotten far enough. Nope. She was already starting to stand up. He gasped again, hiccuped again, and then made a run for it while his teammates began pumping the thing full of lead. She died after just a few seconds under the withering amount of fire. Francis made it to the other side of the street, gasping for breath, shooting any zombie that got near him, and hiccuping frantically.

"It didn't work..." Zoey moaned sadly as they all walked over towards their teammate. Francis glared at her, but said nothing and simply hiccuped as menacingly as he could.

With the Witch threat taken care of, everyone calmly made their way over to the lift. The switch was pulled, and they began their slow ascent. Everyone was able to take out the zombies fairly quickly, though nearly every one of Francis' shots was followed shortly after by a hiccup. By the time they reached the awning, everyone seemed downright miserable, especially Francis.

When they reached the large window to the warehouse, hey sent Francis in first, claiming that he could draw the zombies out and they could shoot them. He grumbled, but crawled up nonetheless. There wasn't anything there that he could see. He poked his head down the hole for a look, seeing nothing. But when he moved to stand back up, he heard a loud scream and a Hunter tackled him from behind

Francis hiccuped from surprise, and the Hunter suddenly paused in the middle of tearing his throat out. Francis almost glared at the thing, but then noticed that it just looked downright confused. He glanced over to his teammates, and noticed that they had the same expression.

Rolling his eyes, Francis went right to glaring at the thing that was crouched on his chest. "What the hell do you -hic- want?" he growled, struggling to push it off to no avail.

The Hunter seemed to flinch when Francis hiccuped, and looked even more confused. It tilted it's head to the side, and growled a semi-confused growl. It reached forward with it's claws and pulled Francis' mouth open, leaning forward and trying to look down Francis' throat.

Francis let out a much more ferocious growl than the Hunter had, and glared over at his teammates. None of them seemed to be making any plan to move. Hiccuping, the biker tried once more to move the Hunter off of him. He'd kill those morons for not doing anything to help.

However, the Hunter jumped off on it's own, and poked it's head into the nearby hole in the floor. It let out a loud screech, and only moments later, the Smoker popped out of the very same place.

The both of them surrounded Francis, though looking more confused than vicious. They occasionally growled or coughed, speaking in their own form of communication, while Francis simply stood there with his arms folded across his chest. The biker hiccuped everyone once in a while, causing both of the infected to flinch.

Eventually, both of the zombies stopped, stood in front of Francis, and started growling and coughing. (Or talking, if you speak zombie.)

Francis rolled his eyes, and glanced over to Zoey. "You have any idea what they're up to?" he asked, figuring that if anyone could speak zombie, it would be her.

Zoey shrugged, smashing his hopes. "I have no clue," she called over to him. "Maybe trying to find out what your hiccups are?"

At the word 'hiccup', both of the infected seemed to brighten, and the Hunter snapped his fingers. Before any of the survivors could even so much as twitch, he whirled around and punched Francis in the gut.

The biker keeled over, coughing like mad while his teammates rushed to his side. Zoey glared at the Hunter and Smoker (who had turned to give each other a high-five) and shook a finger at them.

"Don't hit people like that!" she scolded like a mother to her child, causing both of the zombies to break into a riot of laughter.

"What the hell are you two laughing about?!?" Francis roared the moment he caught his breath. He jumped to his feet, and stood tall over the two zombies. The Hunter and Smoker simply stared up at him, smug grins on their faces.

"What, happy that you could punch me in the stomach when I least expect it?" Francis snarled, grabbing the Hunter by the collar and pulling him off the ground. Hunter didn't lose his smirk, however, which only infuriated Francis even further. "What the hell is making you two smile like that?"

"Maybe..." Zoey began, putting a hand on Francis' shoulder. "Maybe it's the fact that you haven't hiccuped _once_ since he punched you."

That shut Francis up. He let the Hunter go, looking completely shocked. There was silence for about ten seconds as everyone waited to see if Francis would hiccup. But there was nothing. The hiccups were gone!

Everyone cheered, and even the infected bounced up and down with joy at their success at where the survivors had failed. Then the Hunter and Smoker both turned to Francis and held out their hands expectantly.

"...What?" Francis asked, confused.

"They want a reward," Zoey explained, using her zombie interpretation skills. "Since they cured your hiccups."

"Oh..." He reached into his vest pocket and poked around. He found a spare shotgun shell, some lint, a penny, and a crumpled up sticky note. He glanced up, and watched the infected give him the puppy-dog eyes. Having no other choice, he turned to Zoey with a look that pleaded for her help.

Zoey grinned, and reached into her pockets and retrieved five of the mints from earlier. She gave three to the Hunter and the other two to the Smoker. "There you go," she chirped with a motherly tone. "One for each of you, and then three more for each of your friends."

Both of their faces lit up as the Hunter and Smoker were handed the candy, and they immediately ran off to share with their zombie pals.

"They're just like little children!" Zoey exclaimed with a giggle.

Francis simply went back to his normal tough-guy self, and climbed down the hole grumbling to himself.

"I hate children."

Extra Note: Later on, Zoey noticed with a grin that when they'd gotten attacked by a Boomer, the vomit had gotten a little bit of a mint scent to it.

* * *

A/N: IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR THIS STORY, I would love to hear them. Just drop them by in a review or message, if you want. I can always use ideas for things that Francis hates.


	2. I Hate Pets

Disclaimer: I don't own Left 4 Dead, yadda yadda yadda. Didn't I put this in the first chapter? I think I did. Whatever. Not mine.

A/N: Okay, stupid idea, I know. But ever since I saw that the Hunter kinda throws the blood from his victim's in the air like confetti or something, I haven't been able to get the image of cute little Hunters out of my head. I mean, look at them! They toss that blood up there like there's a party goin' on! A party of blood and guts and terror, sure, but a party nonetheless!

So...I hope this turns out okay despite the fact that it's a downright stupid idea spawning from my love of cute little Hunters.

* * *

All of the survivors perked up as they suddenly heard a soft whimpering noise, similar to that of a kicked puppy.

"Is that a Witch?" Zoey asked, poking her head out of the alleyway to get a look around. Nothing to the left, nothing straight ahead, nothing on the roofs...

"I don't think so," grumbled Francis, shotgun at the ready just in case. "It sounds more annoying. Like Bill going down stairs."

"Francis...." Bill growled, but was quickly interrupted by Zoey, who had found the source of the noise.

"Aww, it's a Hunter!" she exclaimed, though sounding more concerned then afraid. She dashed out of the alleyway at the speed of light towards the crouched figure. Her teammates rushed to keep up, shooting all the zombies that ran after her as she went along.

However, as she got closer, she noticed that something was clamped around the Hunter's ankle. It looked sort of like a...

"Is that a bear trap?" she asked, continuing forward and kneeling down by the infected. Hunter stared at her through it's hoodie, sniffling and whimpering like a lost puppy. "Aww...How'd you get caught in this thing, little guy?"

"More importantly," Francis growled from behind her. "Why are you talking to it like it's some little kid? Bear trap or not, it's still one of those damn vampires."

"_Zombies_, Francis," Louis corrected. He moved up to Zoey and helped her work on pulling the bear trap apart to free the little Hunter.

"Why are you letting it go?" Francis whined.

"Why should we leave it here to suffer? He never did anything to us!" Zoey asked back, giving Francis a pouting face.

"Why the hell is there a bear trap in the middle of the street, anyway?" Bill wondered, continuing the asking spree with the question that was secretly on everyone's mind.

Louis continued to fiddle with the bear trap, but couldn't seem to get it open. It was tighter than glue. He dropped his arms to his sides with a sigh. "I can't get it, guys."

Zoey was about to express her disappointment and have them continue on when she accidently looked over at the Hunter. It stared right at her, gave her the puppy-dog-eyes, and sniffed. It seemed to wordlessly plead for her to not just leave it here. It was the spitting image of one of those dogs in the commercials for places about animal abuse or adoption.

And suddenly, Zoey was reminded once more of her pet dog, Skitters. Except in far greater force than ever before. She felt tears come to her eyes, and she fiercely pushed Louis aside and went to work on prying the bear trap open.

Her teammates watched in awe as she used strength she never knew she had to open up the bear trap and free the infected. Hunter gasped, stared at his now-freed leg, then pounced forward to give Zoey a great big hug.

The others nearly shot it off her before they realized that it was only hugging her and growling in contentment. Zoey seemed quite pleased with herself. Pushing it back off her chest (but allowing it to sit in her lap), Zoey looked over to her teammates with a hopeful glint in her eyes.

"Can we keep him?" she suddenly asked.

"**Hell no**," Francis snarled fiercely, glaring down the poor little Hunter. "It'll kill us all in our sleep."

"I dunno, Francis..." Louis mused. "It looks alright to me. We did save him, after all."

"I'm with Louis," Bill mumbled. "As long as it doesn't tear our throats out, I say we can let it stay."

Zoey beamed, and wrapped her arms around her new pet. (Now you see the point of my puppy references.) However, one person was still not pleased.

"Whatever," he grumbled, glaring right at the Hunter. "But I've got my eye on you, you little abomination of nature."

The Hunter shrugged, grinned, and then promptly spat in Francis' face.

"Awww!" Zoey cooed, wrapping her arms around her new pet while drool dribbled down Francis' face. "I think he likes you!"

---

"Alright, so you got to keep the darn thing..." Francis piped up as they continued on their way to the safe house, inching past the alarmed car. "But what are you gonna name him?"

"Thumper," came Zoey's immediate reply. She reached down with a smile and patted her new friend on the head. "You like that name, don't you?" she whispered to it. Thumper nodded and growled excitedly. (Louis swore he saw some sort of deformed tail wag around it's lower back, but when he blinked there was nothing there.)

"What, you're not going to name it Skitters, like that stupid dog of yours?" he scoffed, lifting his shotgun and blasting the brains out of a nearby zombie.

"Skitters was NOT stupid!" Zoey yelled, causing some of the nearby zombies to glance nervously towards the red car that flashed with an alarm.

("Did it go off? Did they hit it? Can we rush now? I am really in a mood for a good spasmodic rush right now, you have _no_ idea," Zombie A frantically rambled to Zombie B. Zombie B shook his head sadly, crushing the hopes of Zombie A.)

"Well then why is this walking piece of crap named Thumper?" Francis snarled, though he kept his voice much quieter and kept an eye on the zombies down the street. They hadn't moved so far, but were simply watching, as though _waiting_ for one of them to walk over there and get eaten. It was really unnerving.

"He's named after that rabbit in Bambi, since he jumps a lot like a rabbit would," Zoey remarked, storming on ahead and shooting the two zombies in front of her. "It's an adorable and cute name and you're just jealous that your name isn't as cute." She strode past their corpses, and moved on while shooting any zombies that happened to be in her path.

However, they weren't the only zombies around.

("Wait for it..." Zombie C muttered to the nearby Smoker as they hid behind the car. "Wait for it...Okay, GO!")

Suddenly, a pink tongue shot out from nowhere and wrapped around Zoey's waist. She gasped as it dragged her off towards the car, and her teammates raced forward to save her. But it was all in vain.

The moment Zoey's back hit the car, a screeching alarm filled the air, and hundreds of zombies that had nothing better to do than sit around corners and _wait_ for someone to hit that alarm swarmed out from their hiding spots. They came out from around the corner, down the stairs, behind the subway tunnel, through the building...Hell, a few of them even took suicide dives off the roofs and wormed their way out of air vents.

"Everyone to the safe room!" Bill yelled, pointing towards the tunnel. He cut the tongue and set Zoey loose before making an immediate beeline to the tunnels, Louis close behind. Francis and Zoey took up the rear, shooting behind them as they ran in the hopes of diminishing at least some of the zombie ocean that ran towards them with the enthusiasm of children on a sugar high.

Francis raced down the steps two at a time, but turned back when Zoey screamed for help. The Smoker from before had apparently managed to gather up its lasso of a tongue (Well, that's what _I_ think they have to wait to charge for. Either grow a new one or untangle the old one) and had re-constricted Zoey. Already, multiple zombies had surrounded her and started clawing at her like a scratching post.

"Sorry, Zoey!" He yelled back to her before continuing down the stairs. There were too many zombies up there. It wouldn't be worth going back to save her. He wouldn't be surprised if she was already dead...

He felt a pair of teeth sink into his ankle, and moved to shoot the thing off. Then he noticed it wasn't just any old zombie. It was dear little Thumper, latching onto his ankle with a growl and glaring at him with a demonic pair of eyes that could make children cry. The Hunter started pulling him back up the stairs, causing Francis to trip and fall to the ground and be dragged back up the stairs to the chaos above.

"Hey! Cut it out you damn vampire!" he roared, whacking the thing with the butt of his shotgun. However, Thumper didn't release his grip one bit, and dragged him far enough up the stairs that some of the zombies stopped clawing at their human scratching post and went to go poke at Francis.

The biker blew off the skulls of the nearby zombies (no easy feat, considering he was being dragged across the floor by an angry pet Hunter), then decided to shoot some of the ones around Zoey. After all, if he was gonna be stuck here, he might as well try to save her. It might even make her damn dog let go. (He would have shot the thing if he hadn't known that Zoey would find a way to come back from the dead and shoot him back for it.)

Bill and Louis soon joined the two when they noticed no one else had reached the safe room, and they mowed down quite a few zombies. Gunshots filled the air, and corpses dropped like flies. The moment Francis saw the Smoker's head, he took aim and blew the thing's head off, letting Zoey fall to the floor and take deep, gasping breaths.

Once she was free, her Hunter pal stopped gnawing on Francis' leg to trot over to her side. It dug into a nearby first aid kit and fumbled around with the white bandage rolls inside in an attempt to help bandage all the scratches covering her. Louis snickered, and walked over to help. Bill, meanwhile, picked Francis up off the ground and started wrapping up his bleeding ankle wound.

Surprisingly, Zoey was patched up first, and she made her way down the stairs with Louis and Thumper. She yelled back to the other two to meet them in the safe room once Francis was better.

"That was nice of that thing to help Zoey out like that," Bill commented, finishing up Francis' ankle.

"No it wasn't!" exclaimed the biker, causing Bill to raise a brow in confusion. "That damn vampire stole my first aid kit!"

* * *

A/N: I hate that ending.

Oh, crap. I'm copying Francis.

Nonetheless...I was going to go a little further and get Thumper out of the way so he doesn't interrupt any future chapters, but I think I'll let him stick around as a side character. To pop in every once in a while. Because he's so darn cute.

Side note here: The bear trap idea is from Fallout 3 and this one Cyanide and Happiness comic (at explosm .net) where this guy sees a bear trap and he says 'Is that a bear trap?' It's my favorite comic, and I love that line.

Oh, and I was originally going to name the Hunter Brownie instead of Hunter, so if it says Brownie at any time, it means Thumper. (I don't think it should. I read it over twice, so hopefully I didn't miss any.)


	3. I Hate Fairy Tales

Disclaimer: Left 4 Dead isn't mine. I am not that intelligent by any means.

A/N: Okay, so I love fairy tales. And I was thinking about stuff and I wrote this. There isn't much of a story behind it. Hopefully it will not fail. The parts in italics are usually gonna be the fairy tale parts.

* * *

The nighttime in Riverside remained silent around five AM, aside from a few chirping zombie-birds whose sole existence depended on annoying the crap out of them. The people who ran through the night had passed out from exhaustion, and anything undead had settled down for a short break in the action. Common infected littered the streets, and the Special infected took up their own small residences. Smokers snoozed on the roofs with their arms or legs dangling off the edges of the buildings. Hunters tended to nap in the trees or on street lamps (don't ask how). Boomers played it safe by sleeping a few feet away from Witches, who simply fell asleep wherever they'd been while awake. (Witches made great alarm clocks, either through screaming or crying.) And the Tanks would usually lay down, cover themselves up with a warm and cozy car or truck, and sleep 'till they were needed.

The Survivors had all hunkered down in their safe room, ready for a well-deserved rest. They'd snuggled down into the sleeping bags that had been left there by previous humans, and gone to sleep. Louis drooled on his pillow, while Bill muttered incoherently. Francis snored like a lawnmower. (It had been annoying to no end for the first few days, but everyone had learned to get used to it.)

Zoey, however, was still wide awake. She stared blankly at the wall in front of her, then narrowed her eyes to glare at it. Outside, birds chirped and broke the silence, but everything else was sleeping. Everything else was already resting and getting ready for a dark and dreary evening. So...

"_WHY CAN'T I SLEEP?"_ she suddenly screamed, waking up her teammates and causing a Hunter outside their door to fall out of his tree.

"Wha-? What's wrong?" Bill asked, sleepily wiping his eyes and staring at her in confusion. Louis sat up as well, and even Francis stopped his snoring to glare at Zoey for bothering them all.

The lone female simply shook her head and sighed. "I can't sleep!" she whined, dropping her head. "I've counted sheep, rabbits, politicians, and even Hunters! None of them worked!"

"Wouldn't counting Hunters make it _harder_ to sleep?" Bill wondered. "With the screaming and all?"

Zoey paused, thinking back on it. "...Yeah, that probably didn't help much. Maybe I'll count normal zombies next time. They're the least noisy."

"Alright, enough of that," Louis declared with a sigh. "I want to go back to sleep." He glanced over to Zoey with a concerned look. "Is there anything we can–"

"Oh no!" Francis interrupted sternly, redirecting his glare to Louis. "You should NEVER ask a woman if there is anything you can do to help. They are demons deep down and will ask for the most idiotic and senseless thing possible. And then they _expect_ you to give it to them with no reward!"

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Louis continued, as though he hadn't even heard Francis. Before the Biker could even grumble about people not listening to him, Louis added a specification. "Anything that specifically involves Francis?"

"Weeeeelllllll..." Zoey said, taking her sweet time letting the word roll off her tongue. Francis seethed silently while she pondered this. "My mom always used to read me bedtime stories when I was a kid. Fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White and all."

"Oh, so you want a little nighttime story?" Francis sneered. Zoey nodded with an excited grin. "And why do I have to tell the story?"

"I'm not a good storyteller," Louis said.

"War tales aren't very good bedtime stories," Bill pointed out. He put on a devious grin, which then spread to Louis.

"Tell a story, Francis!" Zoey cheered, pulling her sleeping bag up to her shoulders like a small child. Her eyes practically glowed with anticipation, and she leaned forward to listen.

Rolling his eyes, Francis decided to be lazy and simply get it over with. "Once upon a time there was a girl and she found a prince and got married and lived happily ever after. The end. Go to bed."

"_That story sucks!"_ Zoey screeched, knocking yet another innocent Hunter out of his sleeping spot. "Make up a better one! I've heard Cinderella and Snow White and all those other ones too much."

Francis rolled his eyes once more, and glared at her. But then he was struck with an idea that wasn't actually half-bad. He could make up a fairy tale...And it would be the best story ever.

"Alright then," he said, clapping to grab his teammates' attention even more. "Once upon a time...

There was a princess–"

"Just a princess?" Zoey piped up. "Not a beautiful princess? What's she look like? What's her name?"

"_SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK!"_ Francis yelled, the sudden noise knocking a Smoker off of his roof and onto one of the fallen Hunters. Zoey went silent and allowed Francis to explain.

"She was an average looking princess that only some of the kingdom liked," he continued with a smirk. Zoey raised a brow, starting to see where he was going. With a wave of her hand, she motioned for him to continue. "Her name was Princess Zoey."

"Oh please!" Zoey exclaimed with a pouting face. "That's so childish!"

"Do you want to hear the story or not?" Francis growled. Zoey glanced at the wall for a moment to think about it, then nodded her head. "Then shut up and let me tell the damn story."

The room went silent, and Francis continued to tell his story. "Once upon a time..."

"_Once upon a time there was an average-looking princess that only some of the kingdom liked named Princess Zoey. Princess Zoey was a nice princess, but she had an annoying voice and a tendency to nag and whine about everything._

_She was so annoying, that the witch that lived in the castle in the forest next door locked her up in the top room in the highest tower."_

"Who's the witch?" Zoey interrupted. Francis would have yelled back, but her question wasn't half bad.

"Uhhh..." the biker glanced around, trying to think. Who was their greatest enemy? "The Tank, I guess."

"That's stupid," Bill complained. "Why should the Tank be the witch when there's a zombie actually _called_ a Witch?"

"Alright, alright!" Francis conceded. "The Witch is the witch, and the Tank is her trusty fire-breathing dragon. Happy?"

Everyone else nodded with a smile, and let Francis go back to the story.

"_So the evil Witch locked up Princess Zoey, and set her dragon, Tank, as the guard. Then she had her companions guard her castle from any intruders. The rogue by the name of Hunter kept watch by the door, while the wizard Smoker stood in the far tower and kept watch. Meanwhile, the Witch returned to her corners to sob about how unlikeable she was._

_The king was very distraught over his daughter's disappearance, and sent out a brave knight to rescue her from her imprisonment."_

By now, everyone in the room was leaning forward to see who would be assigned as thebrave and gallant knight. Francis had to stop for a moment, wondering who should be stuck as the poor knight who had to rescue her. It certainly wouldn't be himself, Bill was too old for the part...So that left...

"_The brave Knight Louis..."_ Louis perked up at the sound of his own name, and Zoey snickered quietly to herself. Bill chuckled softly, and listened carefully as Francis went on... _"Knight Louis mounted his trusty steed and rode off to the forest to rescue the princess._

_However, on the way he was stopped by one of the castle guards, who inquired about where he was going._

"_I'm off to save the lovely princess!" Louis answered boldly, raising he sword in the air._

"_You should visit the great wizard first," the guard suggested. He pointed off to the tower that stood tall in the middle of the woods._

_Louis nodded, and took the guard's advice. He turned about and started towards the tower. He rode all the way out to the tower, then dismounted and knocked on the door._

_The door was answered by the great wizard..."_

Francis trailed off for a moment, wondering how to word the story. "Well, actually the wizard wasn't that great. He was like Princess Zoey. People were okay with him, but only because he was helpful."

"Let me guess," Bill grumbled. "This is the Wizard Bill?"

Smirking, Francis nodded. "You're catching on," he sniggered, before clearing his throat and going on with the story.

"_The Semi-Great and Barely-Tolerable Wizard Bill answered the door, scratching thoughtfully at his huge beard that trailed all the way to the ground and then from there to Canada..."_

Bill narrowed his eyes at Francis, and the biker grinned. "I hate that beard of yours, Bill."

"I hate that vest of yours, Francis," the veteran retorted.

The conversation ended at that, with Zoey and Louis doubled over in an attempt to hold off a sudden giggle fit.

"_Oh Semi-Great Wizard Bill!" Louis declared with a sophisticated bow. "I am on a great quest to rescue the annoying princess from the really tall tower! Can you help me defeat the evil Witch and her fierce dragon Tank?"_

"_I can indeed," Bill boasted, waving for Louis to enter. The Knight did so, being sure to take his shoes off at the door._

"_I appreciate your kindness, oh kind wizard who is ever so kind to help me so kindly in this kind of mess," Louis said as the wizard lead him down a hallway and into a large room with many sparkling, bubbling cauldrons. Some had unknown contents, but most were just filled with magic booze."_

"Why booze?" Zoey asked, snickering quietly.

"Because anyone with magic powers has to be piss drunk," came Francis' immediate reply.

"_The wizard reached up onto a high shelf and plucked one bottle from it's depths._

"_What is it?" Louis asked in amazement. He carefully inspected the maroon-colored bottle. "It looks like an ordinary bottle of booze with a string on top!"_

"_That's because it IS booze with a string on top," Bill scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Now stop yapping and pay attention, you whippersnapper. This is a __Magic Fire Potion__!" _(Cue sparkles, confetti, dimming of lights, and dramatic music.)

"_Wow!" Louis exclaimed. "What does this __Magic Fire Potion__ do? How shall it help me best the witch and her dragon?"_

"_Think about this, son, It's a __Magic __**Fire**__ Potion__. What do you think it does?" Bill said._

"_...Starts fires?"_

"_Atta boy."_

_Louis gratefully accepted the bottle, and carefully stowed it away in his pocket. "So what should I do with the __Magic Fire Potion__?"_

_Bill gave him an incredulous look. "You throw it at them and they catch on fire. That's all there is to it, boy. It's not rocket science. It's alcohol and fire."_

_Giving the wizard one last thanks before leaving, Louis put his shoes back on and rode out, his sights set on the Witch's palace._

_After three days and three nights of traveling (despite the fact that the palace could be seen from the Wizard's tower) Knight Louis reached the tower. At the door, he was greeted by the rogue, Hunter._

"_None shall pass!" the Hunter growled. But it sounded more like 'Grrrrrr grrrrr growl angry noises.'_

"_I shall smite you, foul beast!" Louis proclaimed, unsheathing his sword and stabbing the monster through the chest. _(If you think anything weird about that, hit yourself in the face. Seriously.)

"_Gaaahh!" the Hunter exclaimed, falling back to the ground._ _"It hurts! There is pain in my bleeding flesh wound!"_

_Happy with himself, Louis continued forward. After he entered the castle, he encountered the Smoker Wizard, who again told him that "None shall pass!"_ _Again, it came out as something incomprehensible. The Smoker sounded like it was only coughing._

_Poor Smoker also received a_ _bleeding wound_ _to the chest, and he fell over with a cough and exploded into a flurry of smoke that was actually pretty cool._

_Knight Louis moved onwards once more and finally reached the dragon and Witch._

"_Let me guess," he said smugly. "'None shall pass?'"_

_The Tank said nothing, and instead unleashed a loud roar that knocked over the nearby pillars and blew the Smoker's smoke into the wilderness, beginning what is now referred to by some people as 'Global Warming'._

_Fearing for his life, Louis dove out of the way of the dragon's mighty fist that punched forward and–"_

"Was the fist on fire?" Zoey suddenly interrupted.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Francis grumbled.

"Well he's a dragon!" the student exclaimed, throwing her arms into the air and acting as though everyone knew what she was talking about. (No one knew what she was talking about, in case you were wondering.) "If he's a dragon, he has to breathe fire or do something fire related!"

"Fine!" Francis sighed. "His fist spontaneously combusts in midair and sets ablaze and he attempts to punch Louis with his fist of fire."

"_If Louis actually __had__ any hair it would have singed off with the close proximity of the flames. The knight rolled across the ground and grabbed the __Magic Fire Potion__ and threw it at the two monsters. _

_Both the Witch and the Tank set ablaze, and while they were distracted with stopping, dropping, and screaming at the top of their lungs, Louis made a run for it and made it to the tower with the princess._

_After hours of running up spiral stairs, Louis reached the top room, and found the Princess waiting for him. She jumped to her feat, eyes sparkling with so much joy that, had this not been fictional, it would have blinded someone._

"_Thank you, brave knight!" Zoey exclaimed in her annoying voice. "Now we shall escape and be married and live together forever happily ever after!"_

_But just as they were about to leave, the Tank thundered up the stairs with a roar, bursting through the door. Before he could blink, Louis was punched out of the tower. He flew right through the window and crashed to the ground. Louis died a painful and horrible death only to respawn years later when someone invented closets._

_Zoey was so upset over the death of her knight that she tried to jump out as well and commit suicide. But she unfortunately landed on Bill's beard and was saved from death. She lived the rest of her life in misery and pain._

_And they all lived happily ever after. Sort of. Not quite."_

Francis grinned with triumph, while everyone else in the room simply stared. Zoey was the first to speak up after the story ended.

"Francis, I hate your happy endings."

* * *

A/N: I don't like the ending that much. I was gonna add something with the infected in it, but decided not to. So it sort of just ended there. Oh, and don't ask how Louis knew that the zombies were saying 'None shall pass.' I realized that after writing it, and was too lazy to think of a way to fix it.


End file.
